the value of life

I had a little health problem last june, and this made me realize how important life is. Well it's not only a statement: I realized the reality: we are all alive for a short period of time, some people shorter than others. But even if we live our full life let us say until 85, it is still so short. Life flies. From being a baby to our 20s life is kinda long, and we wished we could already be 20 and independent. When we reach smth like 25, we realize we cannot go back, and we head towards old and death, that's not a cheerful perspective right. Usually people are way too concerned with their everyday life to understand the meaning of the life, the value of it. We are now struggling to find a job in HK, and all that matters to him is to get a job, to be able to say "I have a job, I am doing this", to make money, well to do what society told us to do: get a job, get a gf, get married, have children, buy a house, etc, etc. When we die, we all loose whatever we built, whatever we earnt, whatever we had. It goes to our children if we have. However, when we die, do we really care about the fact that we started working at 27??

It is very difficult to explain what I felt, and what I still feels about life and death. I have never thought about it that way before. Well sometimes I did think "what about us when we die? what happens after?" jsut tried to imagine what it felt to be dead, and to have no more connexion with our alive world. This is scary.
One of my good friend's father just died after 5months fighting against his illness. It made me feel very sad, as if I could feel all my friend's sadness.

I don't like to talk about it, because it scares me, as everyone I guess, that is why it is a taboo. However, it is such a burden for me, to think about it, that drives me crazy at night. I guess I should just live my life as everyone, not thinking about it, jsut do what I have to do. But I also think about that day, when I hit 40 or 50, and I will think "OMG that was so great when I was in my 20s, I didn't know at that time, I should have more enjoyed my time, my youth, my beauty (well doesn't mean I think I am beautiful, but surely more beautiful now that when I am in my 50s, though I want to get old, because I want to live). It is such a paradox, and all these thinking helps me understand why some people killed themselves, or why some people cryogenized.

Life is one thing, youth is another, but why people love youth so msuch? I don't think it is actually because when we are young we are beautiful: ok young people do not have wrinkles, are slimmer, ok. But I see lots of older women, just like my mother, who is now 55, who are very beautiful. We like youth because it means still starting life, it means stil having lots of years to live. And when we get old, it means illness and death. It means we are getting closer to the day we will leave this world, this world where people are alive, doing what they have to do, but also and I guess most of all where all our family, parents, children, brothers and sisters are. When we die, we loose the connexion with them. This is the scariest part. I think, like everyone, I am afraid of being left alone somewhere, or maybe just not exist anymore.

What happened to all these people that lived before us? Can they still hear us? see us? communicate? Do they have their own world? like we have. We have no idea of what is after death, depending on the religion, they are various answers. What happened to my grand father, that had died already 17 years ago? I can't believe that it has been such a long time already. I missed him so much, and I could feel him close to me. When I think about him, I still can feel him, and I don't want to think it is my imagination. However, the most important for me is not to have lost him, but that he lost us. How does he feel now? what does he do? I prayed a lot these past 10 years, and always the same thing came into my mind: that my relatives that had died foudn each others and are happy, wherever they are. I don't pray like I used to do before.
Am I too busy with alive people? I even do not take the time to write mails to my parents, though my family is the most important thing in my life, with my bf, who I live with.No. I am just scared. I feel surrounded by death: my parents give me news, and there is always soe that got a cancer or tumor, that scares me.

Maybe  I decided to give more attention to this world, because I do realize how short is my time here, as every human being. I also do realize that what is essential for me is to have kids, because they are the one that will remain, and so it will be part of me remaining here.

Sometimes I even think deeper: what is the point of living? people may become rich and discover the world, live in luxury, eat the most delicious food, some others may get an award, and nobel prize, or any other price, and what for?
The only sure thing is that doctors and researchers, that find way to recover from HIV, cancer, tumor, and other death illness will have the most important, real, major impact on this world. And if one day we discover a way to stay younger and younger, thanks to the stem/progenitor sell, what will happens? I wish I could stay on this world forever, but there is no point to stay here without your family, and friends, and then these people will feel the same, and somehow, everyone is connected to everyone, so what will happen? Will we colonize a new planet? What will happen to the human race? like dinausors, we are going to extinct because of some natural reason, like the death of the sun? Or will we die because of the lack of natural resources such as water?
Ok just read la Nuit des Temps / the Ice People from Barjavel (french author). I do not believe in this, as I do not know what to believe, but I like this book.

I guess, life is just about enjoying and being happy. As for me, it means being with my family as much as I can, creating bonds with people, sharing life with my bf, discovering life in all it's diversity, culture and customs.

I am sitting in that café in HK, and I feel a bit lighter, now that I shared this feeling. Always stay positive and happy.